This is exactly how I feel

I was reading through the Ensign trying to decide what I wanted to teach for my Relief Society lesson. I came upon a couple of stories about grief. I found an excerpt that explains how I feel. It is from the article Lifting the Hands Which Hang Down - February 2013 Ensign

"I have found that the most helpful conversations occur when people share their favorite memories of my wife and daughter with me; it’s also helpful when they are willing to listen to my favorite memories. I often cry during these conversations, but that doesn’t mean my day is ruined. These interactions actually brighten my day. You don’t have to help people who are grieving to stop crying. It may seem counterintuitive to cause more pain, but I have found with my own grief that I’m in pain anyway, and these conversations provide a chance for me to release my feelings."

Hallo Bridger!

Well, Hello from Germany!

I know you can see us wherever we go, and you have watched us move to Germany, but I still feel the need to tangibly say, hi! I still think about you every single day, and I had a hard time after we first moved here. Moving has been a huge adjustment and when we moved into our large house and Carter and Paige were running around like crazy it made me sad because I realized you were missing. I still have moments of bitterness and anger that swell up within me because you had to leave so soon. But for the most part, I am grateful that you have obtained celestial glory and are fulfilling a higher mission. I love you so much. I can't wait until we come back for a visit and I can decorate your spot instead of just having to look at pictures. Grandma and Grandpa have been doing a nice job taking care of your spot for me. What would I do without them? They are the best grandparents ever! With that being said, here is a pic of your spot:

I LOVE YOU!!!

Dr. Healy

I found out today that my doctor... the doctor that delivered Carter, Bridger, and Paige passed away yesterday. If you know me, you know that I loved Dr. Healy! He was the best doctor around and we got to know each other pretty well considering I had 3 babies in 4 years.

I remember when I went in for my pre-wedding appointment. It was my first visit to an OBGYN. It was awkward, and embarrassing, and uncomfortable. Just as we would all imagine it would be. But, he used his sense of humor to try and ease the tension. We were discussing birth control and he put a Nuvaring (birth control ring) on his ear and said, "This is what the girls are wearing to clubs so that guys know they are covered." I just looked at him... huh? Then he started to laugh. The crazy Dr. Healy laugh. (Mark does a pretty good impersonation of it).

I realized to today that exactly 4 years ago TODAY I saw Dr. Healy for an appointment. I know that because tomorrow is Carter's birthday and I had just seen Dr. Healy the day before I delivered Carter. Again, Dr. Healy used his sense of humor during my delivery and made it fun. Mark was so nervous so Dr. Healy had him counting my two's and backwards, etc.

When I went in for my first visit with Bridger he said, "Oh Alison... You've gone and gotten yourself knocked up again.."  I love people that are funny and have a good bedside manner. I also remember that he ALWAYS took calls from his mother. I appreciated that and never minded when he took her calls. He even took her on a cruise with his family and she was old - in her 90s.

He is the first person that told me that Bridger no longer had a heartbeat. He was also the first person to give me a hug after finding out. He delivered my sweet baby boy. Then after I found out I was pregnant with Paige he always made me feel that he would do all he could to get her here. I got extra ultrasounds, extra visits, and phone calls. I was never made to feel dumb to come in if I was feeling uneasy.  The last couple of weeks of my pregnancy with Paige I was seeing him twice a week.

So, after hearing the news this evening I have been upset. Sad. I have been scouring the internet and Facebook to find out how he died. I found out from one of his employees on FB that they found him passed away in his home. Possibly from a seizure but they are getting an autopsy done.

I think the reason it makes me so upset is because it brings back ALL of the emotions during the time we lost Bridger. Whenever I hear of anybody's loss it brings back those emotions. But I guess Dr. Healy does just a little bit more because he was a part of that experience. I am also not looking forward to the future. Being pregnant after a loss is hard enough... with a doctor that you trust and have full confidence in. Now, I will have to find a new doctor. I am really not looking forward to it. This is selfish to say, I know that. Of course my biggest sadness is that a great guy, doctor, father, husband, grandfather, and son is taken away from a family. I had already wondered if he would retire before I would have my next baby which means I would still have to find a new doctor. I figured if that happened I could at least get a referral. Ugh, it is just so sad. I feel badly for his family. My prayers are with them.

Thanks for all you did for me and my family Dr. Healy! You will be missed!

After having Carter

After delivering Bridger

So happy that Paige made it!

Dear Bridger

Sweet Bridger,

I know you have been near.. but I have felt guilty for neglecting your blog. I know that you know I have thought of you every single day since my last post around Christmas. I have wanted to write but I always want to write something so special and I am in a hurry, forget, or too tired to put in the extra effort it takes to make it a "special post." But it is time.

Can you believe it has been a year? We celebrated your birthday back in May. I hope you enjoyed your decorations. We helped you enjoy your cake :). It was a sad, rainy day on the 17th. I couldn't help but think about what kind of party we would have had for you or if you would have made a mess of your cake or not even want to touch it like your brother did. I can't help but think of you looking up to Carter and following him around to eventually become his partner in crime. Even though I know you are in a better place, I still can't help but wish you were here. It has been THE HARDEST year of my life. I have never cried so much, but I have also never relied on the spirit, Heavenly Father, or my testimony as much as I have this last year.

You are now a big brother!!! I know that you know that because I have felt you near us since Paige has been here. When she laughs in her sleep I feel that it is you making her laugh. You were there when she was born, bringing her to us safely. What a special thing it was to deliver her in the room you were delivered in. That room is home to two of our most sacred experiences. I will never forget the moment when they placed Paige on my stomach and I heard her cry. I lost it. I was bursting with happiness, yet sad thinking of you.

Shortly after your birthday and Memorial Day our dear friends lost their baby Brigham. Maybe you have met him... The timing of his passing was really hard for me. I was already missing you so incredibly much because of the reminder of your birthday. The day he passed I relived all of the emotions that I did when I found out you weren't staying with us. It has been rough and my heart just aches for them. I know how much it hurts to miss your little boy.

I wanted to talk about all of the butterflies I have been seeing. On another angel babies' family blog the mom talks about how butterflies are a symbol of death or someone's passing. She said that at the hospital they put a paper butterfly on the bedroom doors of patients that they know aren't going to make it. It is a code for the hospital employees. I have started looking at butterflies in a different way since reading this. The mom on the blog calls them "Wyatt moments" when she or her family sees a butterfly and they feel their little boy near when these moments happen. I feel the same way. It seems like when there are times we should all be together a butterfly shows up and flutters by. It is like it is you saying, "Don't worry mom. I'm fine. I love you." There was a butterfly at the park on the day of Paige's blessing, there was a beautiful yellow one just yesterday on our tree in the backyard, there was one outside the other day when Carter was playing in the water, and there was one at the zoo. There have been other times besides those too but I can't remember them all. I love those moments because I feel you near and I am able to step back from whatever I am doing and think of you.

I need to go to bed.. I haven't been able to turn my mind off tonight. But I want to start writing down my thoughts more. I hope that Wyatt's mom doesn't mind but I want to start recording "Bridger moments" that I have. So plan on those in the near future. I love you Bridger! I know you love me too. Take care :)

Mommy

My 3 kids :)

Merry Christmas Bridger! Love you little guy!

Carter and I had fun decorating your spot for Christmas! The day was beautiful and you wouldn't have known it was December. Carter gathered a lot of "Maple" leaves (not just leaves, Maples leaves) just for you! I felt like you were right by side and you were just "boys being boys." Please tell Jesus hi from us and let him know that we have been thinking about him too. Two perfect little baby boys.

1st Christmas in Heaven

It has been a rough couple of days. My mom gave me some money to go and get something for Bridger's grave for Christmas because she wasn't going to get a chance for Christmas because of her knee surgery. So, I went to Walgreens because I had seen some cute yard signs in their ad a while back. As I wandered around the store trying to figure out what would be best FOR MY SON'S GRAVE I started to break down. I saw some cute 1st Christmas hats and bibs and realized yet again that our son would not be spending his first Christmas with us. The night that followed and the next day were full of sadness. While browsing through other angel blogs today I found this poem. It helps a little. Even though Bridger will not be spending Christmas with us, he will be spending it with Christ, whom Christmas is really all about. I am grateful for that. If he can't be with me at least he can be with Christ and our Heavenly Father. I am sure he is surrounded with love. Maybe even including his soon to be sister or brother. We love you Bridger! Our Angel...

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees round the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular. Please wipe away your tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to here the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away… we’re really not apart.
So be happy for my loved ones, you know I hold you dear.
Be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my own undying love.
After all, love is the gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as our father said to do.
For I can’t count the blessings or the love he has for each of you.
So have a merry Christmas and wipe away your tears.
Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
Author unknown

Dream

I had a dream last night... It wasn't really the best dream but I wanted to document it. I had a dream that one day when I was 36 weeks pregnant (during this pregnancy), I didn't feel the baby move very much. So I went to the ER at the hospital and I was preparing myself for them to tell me they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was crying, and then they told me that the baby's heart was beating but was very faint. I cried a lot of tears of relief when they told me that. Then they said I needed an emergency C-Section immediately. They got me prepped and the doctor on call (a stranger) did my C-Section and delivered my baby. I hadn't known if it were a girl or boy at this point and it was a little boy. He had plenty of blonde hair and was tiny, but healthy. My baby had lived.

I sure hope this isn't a preview of things to come. I mean, at least my baby lives and is a cute little boy but I sure hope that we don't have to go through a scare like this. I think it is weird that I had a dream like this but it obviously shows how much I am constantly worrying about this baby. Even subconsciously too I guess. This is the first dream I have every had with any of my kids that had the sex of my baby while pregnant. Maybe this dream was telling me I am going to have a little boy again... he was SO cute and I wish that sweet baby from my dream was here with me right now. But alas, I will have to wait six more months. Six more months to find out how the dream really ends.